心理治疗师谈如何走出债务困境：面对数字、理解成因、寻求帮助

If you’re struggling with debt, you’ll know that it is more than a financial issue. As a psychotherapist, I work every day with people who have ended up in problem debt – debt that is a struggle to manage or pay back, leading to a spiralling financial situation. I’ve seen firsthand how often debt has roots in deeply emotional issues – and I’ve witnessed its emotional consequences.

Many clients have told me they associate debt with being ‘disorganised’ and feeling ‘irresponsible’. They feel shame about what their debt ‘makes them’ and fear that seeking help will lead to them being judged negatively. As a result, even talking about it becomes difficult. Of course, debt can result from irresponsible behaviour, but this is far from always the case. Anyone can end up with problem debt as a result of relationship breakdown, redundancy, illness and other practical hardships. Whatever the root causes, it can be difficult to face.

You may have found that simple tasks like checking your banking app or opening letters from the bank, calling the bank or seeking money advice feel impossible, perhaps out of a fear of judgment or seeing how the debt has grown. But the longer debt goes unaddressed, the worse the consequences – not just financial (the earlier debt is tackled the more options there are), but also emotional. Guilt can turn into a pervasive shame; a small secret kept long can break the trust in relationships. The manageable becomes overwhelming.

So climbing out of debt isn’t just a financial task, but one that requires the emotional capacity to face the fact without collapsing into panic or avoidance; the courage to take action (action breeds confidence rather than the other way round); the curiosity to explore what caused the debt in the first place; and the humility to ask for help.

I have been with clients as they revealed debt to their partners, and slowly rebuilt those relationships. I have heard their relief when they called the bank and were met with understanding rather than punishment. I have seen first-hand how empowered they felt once the barrier of avoidance is broken. Debt feels terminal, but it doesn’t have to be. It is a problem to be faced, not something that defines you.

I help my clients to unpack what led them to this place and also to find a way out of the shame, dread and secrecy that usually accompanies debt. Below are my suggestions for how you too can find the emotional resources to climb out of your debt.

Face the numbers, gently but directly

The first step out of debt is also one that many resist the longest: facing it. I have seen people remain stuck in self-defeatist narratives, resigned to being ‘bad with money’ but keeping debt at arm’s length.

You may find yourself catastrophising about the future and focusing on what you fear the debt says about you – ‘I’ve ruined everything’, ‘I’m so irresponsible’ – which is why avoidance brings relief. It feels like a safe haven from this emotional tsunami.

However, to develop a sense of agency, you need to face the problem: which people or organisations do you owe how much to? At what interest rate? What’s the minimum repayment? What is overdue? Only then can you begin to look for the ‘stop’ and ‘reset’ buttons and avoid what feels like an inevitable crash.

To get started, think of what could make the emotional experience of facing the debt more manageable. You might want to set aside a specific time. You might feel safest having someone you trust beside you. Limit the objective of the session to listing out the basic information about your debt. You are not trying to resolve the entire situation at once. Couple it with something pleasant (make a cup of hot chocolate, put on calming music). A part of you might feel critical and want to punish yourself, but try to counter that with some compassion and self-care – you are doing something difficult and brave.

One client I worked with put off opening letters from creditors for months because she was convinced the situation would be worse than she could bear. When she finally sat down and listed everything out, she was shocked but also relieved. The total was serious, but it was no longer monstrous and shapeless; it had edges. Now, it could be worked with. Clarity can be painful, but it is also containing.

Get curious about your debt

This is where a psychotherapeutic lens matters. Financial behaviour is often entangled with identity, family history, attachment, trauma and coping style.

‘How did I end up here?’ is a useful question. Tap into that curiosity so you can replace the common conclusion ‘because I am terrible’ with a more compassionate understanding of what really drove the debt. This understanding will also help you build an effective plan for the future (I’ll come to this shortly).

This step is where I often help my clients the most: unpacking the unconscious drivers of the debt. For some people spending isn’t just a rational activity, but one that addresses conscious or unconscious emotional needs, from boredom to fear of failure. People might spend to feel lovable (eg, spending on others to be liked, or on themselves hoping it will somehow ‘transform’ them); or to feel a sense of belonging (fear of missing out, fear of feeling excluded); or to get attention and signal status (seeking an external validation when the internal sense of worth is fragile).

I have also met people who felt insecure and unconsciously orchestrated financial crises as a way of drawing people closer. For others, it wasn’t the spending but the ‘debt’ in itself that was symbolic: a secret to keep from a partner because full disclosure felt too intimate. The debt also acted as a symbolic ‘pocket of shame’ that almost felt more bearable than facing all the other shame they felt.

Try asking yourself: what was I feeling just before I borrowed, avoided or overspent? What did the spending give me in that moment? Relief? Hope? Escape? A sense of identity? Connection? Status? Numbness? What feeling was I trying not to feel? (Save your insights for the upcoming step of making a plan.)

Of course, there might not always be a psychological reason why your debt has spiralled out of control, but it might still be useful to explore the emotions around how it feels to be in problem debt and what might get in the way of dealing with it sooner rather than later.

Replace shame with responsibility

If you are finding any of the first two steps difficult, it’s likely to be because of shame. Shame is very different from guilt. Guilt is feeling responsible for something you regret doing. Shame is about what you believe your actions ‘make you’ or say about the person you are. It is deeper and more pervasive.

Many people believe, at some level, that shame will motivate them to change: ‘If I am hard enough on myself, I’ll finally sort it out.’ But the reality is that shame does the opposite: it narrows your thinking, makes you avoidant, and turns the debt into proof that you’re flawed or defective.

Taking responsibility for the debt on some level (even if the start of it was not your fault) means that you can treat it as the serious problem that it is, but with agency. You can make phone calls, seek advice, cancel subscriptions, renegotiate payments. The mindset you need is one of solving a problem, rather than punishing yourself for being problematic.

Make a plan that is realistic, not punishing

I’ve seen people build a sense of agency and feel ready to make changes, but then go too far in their ambitions and make resolutions that aren’t realistic (and sometimes punishing – a way of acting out their misplaced guilt and shame). This is likely to end badly. If you strip back life so aggressively that your plan becomes impossible to sustain, you’ll break the plan, feel you’ve failed, and swing back into avoidance or overspending.

Your plan for tackling the debt shouldn’t be only financial, but also psychological. With more insight into the drivers of your spending (uncovered in the earlier steps), you can put plans in place to deal with your common triggers.

For example, if you are someone who recognises that your spending relates to social events and fitting in, part of your plan could involve practising tolerating discomfort: wear clothes you already own to the next two socials; suggest hosting the next book-club meetup and ask everyone to bring some food to share; or be more honest with friends about your financial limits and suggest a cheaper restaurant.

If you are someone who overspends in the evening when you are feeling bored and possibly lonely, why not create a plan with a different activity every evening to keep you engaged in something you enjoy? (For instance: Monday – read a book; Tuesday – watch a movie; Wednesday – meet a friend for a walk, etc).

The point is that a psychological plan helps you manage the feelings that make sticking to the plan difficult in the first place.

Think ahead: what will you do when you feel the urge to spend after a stressful day? What will you say when friends suggest something you can’t afford? But remember, don’t go too hard on yourself. You might want to build in a small amount for pleasure or contingency, because a life with absolutely no room for enjoyment or repair is impossible to maintain.

I’ve had clients incorporate ‘pause plans’ involving a 48-hour wait for non-essential purchases. On a practical note, others have arranged for their bank to place spending restrictions to provide a form of ‘protective friction’ (so you have to go through more steps before making a purchase, which builds in more time to think before buying). Call your bank, or contact them via their app, and you can have them block transactions at specific businesses, such as gambling sites; set contactless or transaction caps; or put a cap on the amount of money that can leave your account on any given day.

Expect setbacks and don’t let them derail your progress

Being realistic also involves accepting that you won’t change your behaviour in a day. It is normal to face setbacks, to feel that progress is just too slow, to be frustrated as you watch yourself seemingly slip back into old patterns. Many people have experienced the ‘two steps forward, one step back’ feeling in their debt-recovery journey. I have seen people budget carefully for the first couple of months but then, after an exhausting work week, allow themselves to splurge as a reward. I’ve had clients who steadily managed to pay down credit card debt, only to find themselves panic-buying clothes for a work event they were anxious about.

These sorts of setbacks are almost inevitable. The most important thing is how you respond: don’t let it be a confirmation of your ‘badness’ but, instead, normalise it (‘I slipped into an old coping strategy because I was stressed and overwhelmed, not because I am hopeless with money’) and stick to your goals in the week ahead. Don’t give up, but rather reflect, forgive and recalibrate so you can move forward.

Let other people in

Debt can be deeply isolating. I have known clients to keep it hidden from the people closest to them because they thought their partner or parent would never forgive them, or they would lose people’s esteem if others found out.

But breaking the isolation is important both for facing reality and because two minds are often better than one at resolving problems and thinking with clarity. So choose someone you can trust to be with you as you face up to the debt (such as a partner, a friend, a therapist, an accountant or a debt adviser).

Remember, many people will take pleasure in being able to help, so don’t think of yourself as a burden (remember the last time you helped someone and how good that felt). Now it’s your turn to ask for help: be it practical or emotional. It might be helpful to be with someone as you sort out paperwork or when you call the bank or debt advisor. This person can also help you stay on track as you take the first steps toward addressing the debt.

At the same time, it’s important to think carefully before borrowing money from friends or family to solve the problem. While they might want to help, loans between people who care about one another can easily become emotionally complex and create feelings of guilt and resentment, leading to pressures on both sides.

Finally, don’t be afraid to ask for the help that might be available from the institutions to whom you owe money. One of my clients – once they found the courage to reveal their mental health struggles to their bank – discovered that the bank was willing to forgive a large portion of the debt and put in measures to prevent it from spiralling in the future. Sometimes asking for help can prove rewarding in unexpected ways.